I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
