i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
