I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
