i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
