i don't like sucking hair
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
