He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
