I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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