I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
