He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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