Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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