Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
