The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
