You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
