Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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