I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
