I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
