In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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