please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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