Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
