Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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