Your face is a jimmy john
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
