I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
