she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize