Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His nipple licking is glorious
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