There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
