Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
