My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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