His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
