Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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