Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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