i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
