I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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