Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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