Life is so much better after having sex.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
