Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
