is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
