I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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