i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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