Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
