did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
