his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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