In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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