I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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