I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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