please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
