Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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