My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
