with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I see more hoeing in ur future
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