This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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