Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
