I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
