Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
